My Master

I tried to flee from Him at first.

What the heck was this Voice that took precedence over my own inner voice?

"You are our slave" He said, as He proceeded to remind me of the events of the preceding day.

"Slave"? I was indignant, almost incredulous.

Yet I turned meek.

For the events of the day before were only too clear in my head. He had rekindled the Light in me at the Gurdwara. I remembered the tears that threatened to engulf me as I sang along to Shabad Hazare. I remembered His instructions to me as I sang the line "Tera Mukh Suhava Jeeo, Sehaj Dhun Bani". I remembered the rekindling of the Light. The Light had merged into me.

While my body still ached from being in bondage in the spiritual battle I engaged in, I knew the moment the Light entered me that I was Graced.

I now paused as I took in His instructions. Meekly.

I followed His instructions. Some a tad ridiculous to me.

He was strict. Certainly didn't appear to be kind and merciful. But then again, all I wanted to do was flee to a sanctuary, not knowing that I was trying to flee from His sanctuary. I was stupid that way.

In the days that followed, He taught me. Rather, instructed me. I followed. He taught me how to meditate and applied His Grace so I could meditate. He taught me to repeat Waheguru as I sat cross-legged for 5 hours straight in the Gurdwara. He instructed me on Seva, silently introducing me to the other slaves who would appear on the onset to be sevadars. I experienced the opening of the dasam dwaar with His Grace.

He was very strict with me :)

Then all at once there was Light and there was Love. The pains and aches from being in bondage disappeared. I was no longer looking at a future of doom and gloom. A flower that fell from a tree in front of me as I was walking held special meaning. Winds blew through the Gurdwara shutters with a special message for me: close your eyes and imagine that I was in cold cold Hemkund Sahib eating hot hot degh. So many messages, so many blessings, one on top of the other. I laughed gaily. I had recovered.

He is Guru Nanak Dev Ji. 

Fighting from a place of Love

The hot dry winds swirled around me, choking me with its intensity and sucking the life out of my helpless soul.

I didn't know about Sikhism and spirituality then. Yet I knew enough to google "Sikh prayer of protection". Chaupai Sahib came up in the search and I recited it with all the force I could muster.

I used force.

Later, it occurred to me that prayer, any prayer, must come from a position of humility and love; not force.

For it is in humility and love that you reach God.

After that eventful day, hot winds gone, and showers and copious amounts of water to unsuccessfully get the stench of death away from me, I started my journey with Guruji.

As I closed my eyes and chanted Waheguru from my heart, an image came, unbidden, of me hanging on for dear life to Guruji's robe and trying not to look down to the deep dark abyss below where I was likely to fall if I ever let go of His robe. He carried me across the abyss and that is where I learnt. I learnt that in the face of evil, you concentrate and focus on your love for Guruji. You sing kirtan from a place filled with love, your heart. Slowly but surely, you will be moved from the abyss to a better place. Away from the evil that threatens to consume you.

When you fight evil with evil i.e. a place of force, you are only strengthening that evil as it sucks the life force from you. Rather, focus on love and submission to Guruji. Come from a place of humility and meekness. Go to Guruji's sanctuary. No evil will threaten you there. YOU ARE PROTECTED AT ALL  TIMES.

The clamber back up to where I am now took a lot of patience. I learnt to sing kirtan aloud from the heart. Not from the throat but from the heart. There lies the difference. 

Depression: If only they knew

The most dangerous path of depression is where you can't shed even a tear, try as you might. Rather, it manifests itself in you and much as you seek release, it threatens to explode within you, very much like a pressure cooker without an outlet for the steam.

You lay in bed for days without a bath and brushing your teeth is a luxury you enjoy soon as you can summon the strength to bring your arms up to lift that darned toothbrush.

You will yourself to cry, yet nothing happens. You are deadwood.

Loved ones take you to the doctor, not realising, never realising, that the problem is at once spiritual - a regeneration or an awakening, if you like. A shedding of old habits and practises. Never realising what it is. Never realising that this is happening because old habits and practises just don't work anymore.

If only.

If only they bring their loved ones to the Gurdwara with faith, hope and love.

What does one expect in the Gurdwara then?

Some say do naam simran. Some say do seva. Some say sit with the sangat. All these rang true for me.

Yet there is only one answer. Just reach the Gurdwara door and Guruji takes over from there.

It took me 6 months. Mainly because I distrusted any human being. Mainly because I had been graced with the knowledge that this "problem" was spiritual.

One anecdote: I sat in the Gurdwara once moaning my existence and a sevadar asked nobody in particular to help mop the main floor. I looked around. Nobody responded. I got up reluctantly and was handed the mop.

A surge of energy ran through me as I mopped and before you know it, I had mopped the entire floor - not just the main part. I was flushed afterwards. Sure the job appeared meaningless and my problems weren't solved outwardly - yet.

Yet I felt like a million dollars.

I had initially trudged heavily to the Gurdwara only to skip home in elation as I left the Gurdwara grounds.

Hand it over to Him. Have patience. Stay humble. Pray. You never know when chardi kala might make its way to you :)

Gur parsaad param pad paa-ia
Sooke kaast haria

Forsaking all other doors, I have come to your door

It is 6 a.m. Vin switches on her computer as she is wont to do each morning as she gets up. She checks her email. 7 new messages in her inbox. She scans through her mail - mostly junk - before settling on her favourite: her astrology report for that morning. 

This computer generated astrology report is initially regarded as harmless, of entertainment value, to set the tone for the day. 

Unbeknown to Vin, this harmless piece of email can take her onto a path of destruction without her even knowing it. 

It happened to me. 

What started as a "let's guess what's going to happen today" took me to a whirlpool of addiction and destruction - all in the name of foretelling the future. 

I began to depend more and more on astrology reports, and as what it predicted rang true, I began to believe in the authenticity of it. It became a replacement guru for me. 

It had come to a point where I would lead my life according to what the report predicted for me.

When you are stuck in a whirlpool, nothing can save you. No person is going to come with a spiritual stick and lend you a hand. So I fought my own battles within the maze. A battle where I listened to my heart, fought with illusion which threatened to spiritually blind me. 

I lost. I died a spiritual death.

So did the Light within me that was incandescent at first. 

Yet all was not lost. I hung on to a faith I didn't know was ingrained in me. His compassion brought me to the door of our Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji where I hung out for 6 months before He rekindled the Light in me. 

I was no longer a walking, talking, piece of clay. I was Light. And I was His. 
  

Where Love emanates from fear

We go about life fearing. Fearing terrorists, fearing an accident, for our loved ones ... the list goes on. 

This leaves no room for the ultimate fear ... the fear of God, and the ultimate Love that emanates from it. 

I leant too late in life that you must fear God in order to love him. That is not to fear a backlash. That is punitive. Rather a fear born of awe and respect and yes, just that little tinge of fear - enough to put you on the straight path and not to veer too far from it. 

Even that fear is grace in itself. 

And when you fear God, you do not fear anyone else ...